I’m Such A Cry Baby…

Trigger Warning ⚠️ Self harm

As the title announces, I’m a cry baby.

The people closest to me know that I’m a cry baby. No matter the emotion - joy, love, anger, hurt, sadness - you can count on me to cry.

Crying is always how I’ve expressed my emotions…

Crying is how I feel…

Crying is how I release and let go…

But lately, I’ve found it difficult to cry.

I still feel a lot. I’m human, and an empath, so I think I’m always going to be a deep feeler…

However, recently, when I need to let go and release or express my emotions, I become numb.

I take things in. But expressing and letting go has been difficult.

So this particular day, my partner was having a conversation with me, and I needed to reply & express myself, but all I did was go numb.

I froze. And the conversation ended there. Because I never gave a reply. All I did was take it in.

Then when I was alone, I started having all these thoughts in my head saying…

“I’m supposed to cry. What my partner said was heavy. Why am I not crying? What is wrong with me?”

And because I couldn’t cry, I thought that maybe if I hurt myself physically, I’d be able to express the emotional pain I was feeling…

It might not make sense to you. But that’s what seemed reasonable to me at that time.

So I went to the kitchen, turned on the gas, took a piece of cloth, burnt it and used it to burn myself.

I hurt myself beyond burning myself. I hit myself too that night. I starved myself and didn’t eat till the next evening.

Why? You may ask…

Why would anyone want to harm themselves? It makes no sense…

Trust me, right now, even I that self harmed, I’m telling you, it makes no sense to me now.

But at that moment? There was nothing you could say to convince me that what I did didn’t make sense.

People self harm for different reasons. Like me, to feel emotional pain…

Some others, to punish themselves if they did something bad or hurtful to someone else…

And for some others, self harm is a cry for help. They want people to know they’re not okay, but don’t know how to communicate that. Weird, I know.

Trust me, to anyone that hasn’t been through this, it wouldn’t make any sense. And that’s fine. I’m honestly glad you’ve not gone through that. And I hope you never do.

But to the people that understand and have self harmed…

We both know that after you do it, all you feel is shame…

And self hatred gets added to the list of things you’re now feeling…

About a week after I did this, I talked to my partner about it.

And he said something so profound which is the message I want to share…

He said (paraphrased) — “If you don’t deal with it now, whenever conflict happens or you need to express whatever is going on with you and you can’t, self harm would slowly become your go to mechanism. Even if it’s ineffective and not doing anything to make you feel better about the situation and about yourself, you would still find yourself going back to it. So you need to find other healthy ways to deal with it. Find healthy ways to feel your emotions. Just because you’re used to crying, doesn’t mean that’s the only way you’re allowed to express your emotions.”

And do you know what he said next?

He reminded me that above all things, I’m a believer. And the devil would try to prey on my thoughts and feelings, and as I slowly give in, the devil hits harder and makes things 10x worse than they were before. He’s called the accuser of the brethren for a reason. He accuses you through your thoughts.

So the solution my partner offered, which I am slowly adopting, is to take everything to God. Yep. Take it all back to the One who is with me in that moment and understands my feelings even without me saying anything.

Take everything back to God.

You’re angry and just want to burst out — Burst out to God. He’s not going to be mad at you for being mad.

You’re anxious and feeling it in different places in your body — Tell it to God. He’s called the Prince of Peace for a reason.

You’re numb, you don’t quite know what’s going on with your emotions… You want to cry but don’t know why… Something feels wrong somewhere but you don’t even know what it is? — Take it to God. Pour it all out to God.

It’s okay to just play a worship song and sit still in His presence. It’s okay to cry and rant about everything to Him.

Guess what? He’s even looking forward to being that intimate with you!

Naturally, my first advice would be therapy, especially if self harm has now become a pattern…

But then, what I just said… the reminder my partner gave me, is the major thing I think you need to practice to stop self harm.

And then from being in God’s presence, you can journal your feelings, or even record yourself, talk about it to yourself…

But let your first go-to when you feel overwhelmed be God. Let your first go-to for anything be GOD.

I’ll end with this verse of the scripture…

1 Peter 5:7 — “Casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully].”

Lastly, if you can afford it, please still go for therapy. Therapy is not to be underrated. But, God first.

Remember: You’re a gift, not a burden.

Ps:- I recorded this experience after it happened in early August 2024. My mental health has been great so far. So please, don’t worry about me. Thank you!😊